YOUR true and ardent friend represents, and you must know, that ever since his majesty from his gracious bounty distinguished me by employment, I have, on every service committed to me from the imperial court, exerted myself to the utmost of my capacity and the authority entrusted to me. I have not been neglectful in any point; but, esteeming submission and deference to my rightful guide as my real honour, have in every affair consulted only how to attain the approbation of his sacred mind.
I cannot guess of what crime or error I have now been guilty, that such conduct is shown towards me, as is undeserved by my sincere loyalty and attachment, and must degrade me in the eyes of all, far and near. In the first place, to Aseer,* formerly granted to me, then to my brother Moraud Buksh, and lately to me again, I have now by the royal orders been commanded not to send a commandant, after the gift had been made generally known. For this I cannot divine a cause. If it proceeded from my refusal of the marriage proposed to me, that objection is groundless; because, when that affair was agitated in the presence, his majesty left it entirely to my choice, and as on several accounts I had objections, I represented them fairly. If his majesty had resolved upon it, (though out of his justice he has never yet forced a marriage upon the least of his dependants) I should have had no remedy but compliance. If there has any thing been done by me undeserving confidence and trust, alas! alas! unhappy, disgraceful, and unfortunate are my stars, that after twenty years expended in service, regardless of my property or convenience, I should not be esteemed worthy of confidence equally with a brother’s son in the opinion of my patron!* Whatever is the cause of such slights, would they but acquaint me with my faults, I would stand reproved, and confess them, nor err again.
At this time my brother Dara, whose abundant regard to me is fully known to his majesty,* has sent a domestic of his own to convey certain welcome assurances and acceptance of his requests to the chief of Beejapore, which cannot but increase the insolence of him and his equals.
My gracious patroness, I never regarded myself as one of the favoured disciples, or servants, and claim only the attention of a slave, being content in any way they may chuse; yet, by his majesty’s goodness, I have hitherto passed my life in honour and credit, and in this quarter have for some time held authority; which lately too, without my desire or request, entirely from his own generosity, my rightful lord and guide conferred upon me anew. Such conduct as the present, however, is contrary to the protection due to trusty servants, and the occasion of their disgrace and degradation in the public eye. I am lost in the whirlpool of conjecture, and cannot guess what can be the intention of the sacred mind to this loyal dependant, who has no asylum (excepting almighty God) but in the pure person of my father. If, out of partiality to any individual, or from motives of policy, it is the gracious will, that of all his disciples I only should live awhile in disgrace, and finally be treacherously destroyed, I have no ability to struggle against submission to my fate. “Whatever may be my lot, as you approve, it must be just.” However, as to endure life in my present situation is difficult and unpleasant, and, for perishable things, to continue in vexation and trouble is unwise, I cannot commit myself to another’s will, it would be best if his majesty, to whose pleasure the heads and lives of his dependants are but reasonable sacrifices, would set me free at once from the dishonour of existence. Policy, then, would not be disappointed, and many hearts would rest from apprehension.
So long back as ten years, guessing at their designs, and knowing myself to be an impediment to them, I humbly declined accepting any employment. Merely to please my father, which has ever been the first of my desires, I resigned myself to my present office a second time, and have endured what I have endured. He should at that time have excused me, when I should have sought some secret corner, and have disturbed the heart of no one; while I myself should have escaped these indignities. Even still, the remedy is in the enlightened mind of his majesty. Let them command plainly what they judge adviseable respecting my fate, that, when informed of their pleasure, I may submit and obey.
The latest indignity shewn me, is the recall of Khan Jehaun from under my command to court, and conferring rank upon him and his companions, my servants. It is true, they are also the servants of his majesty, for whose use I entertained them; but yet, if this mode is continued, and my followers, quitting me without asking my permission, are honoured with the imperial service, and can obtain rank superior to their stations, it is clear that no person will remain with me. If my troops, which I have been forming for these twenty years, are dispersed in this manner, how am I hereafter to perform my duty in my employments? If there is an object in this, let the royal orders be issued for all my best servants to hasten to the presence, and assist the schemes of my enemies; but if his majesty has not yet cast me utterly from his confidence, and, regarding the claims of my service and obedience during so many years, still considers me in the number of his slaves, why does he approve such measures? Let him so heal the wounded and broken heart of his disciple with the balm of his kindness, that, being enabled to do the duties entrusted to me in a proper manner, I may be secure against disgrace or reproof. Since, in the service of the Almighty, his worshippers suffer not, is it possible that they can be injured in the court of the representative of the Godhead, who is endowed with the qualities of the Divinity? How can he justify actions towards his disciples and servants, which the Creator of the world would not impose upon his creatures?
I hope, my generous benefactress, that you will convey these points in privacy to the sublime audience; and inform me of whatever may on the subject of them pass the tongue of revelation, that, escaping from the sea of suspense, I may know how to excuse my faults. I trouble you no farther. May your days pass according to your wishes!*